Yesterday's Attack Follow-Up

I emailed that post to my therapist and I'm waiting to hear back from her. My attack ended shortly after that post, thank goodness. However, I'm still experiencing physical side effects from my anxiety over this problem.

Here's how I see it, now that I'm fully rational...or at least I think so. Once I started getting better, I promised myself that even if I knew that I could survive the attack, because I can do so, that I wouldn't put myself in situations that I knew would cause a severe attack. Even if I can get through it, I didn't want to have to experience the mental and physical effects that the attack would have on me. In my opinion, nothing is worth going through that.

Not new experiences. Not meeting new people. Not an education that would better my life, because I can find a way to get that without physically being at a school.

I know, I know. Having this level over anxiety is ridiculous, but that's how it works for me. I freak out over something most people have no trouble dealing with. Sure, it's normal to have a little anxiety about starting college, but not like what I am beginning to experience once more.

Something has changed. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it has happened. I used to see it as a test of sorts. It was me testing my limits and seeing how long I could last in a certain situation before I gave in to the anxiety and how that was a good thing. However, now it's like I don't care about that anymore.

I'm back to where I was a year ago. Where my MC in Don't Panic is right now. I just want it to stop and be over with. I want a quick, permanent fix, not a subtle fix that will last until the next one. I'm right back to feeling that if I don't 'have' to deal with it, that I shouldn't go through it.

Right now, in my eyes, college and being there physically is not a must. There are other options and right now, I want to take that other option. I don't want to go through these attacks again. It doesn't matter that I can survive them and tackle them. The mental angst is not worth it.

Sometimes, I feel like Emily and that y'all (and the other people in my life) are Jake. It's like no matter how good I do, there's always a setback that follows. There's always someone out there to support me through these tough times, but I feel like eventually, you will get tired of being that support. Just like Emily feels Jake will get tired of being the strong one of the two. Just like Emily feels that Jake will get tired of how she operates, so to speak, and will get fed up with the constant ups and downs. But that is how it is with a person with anxiety. We have ups and downs all the time. Sometimes, more often than not.

If people stop reading these posts and commenting words of encouragement, I'll understand completely.  I guess that goes to show just how much like Emily I am. I rather deal with it alone than cause trouble to others. Even though, we both see that dealing with it alone is not always the right choice.