Yesterday, after mentioning it to my parents, I came to a decision. Since then, I've been thinking about it, and honestly, I'm a little nervous about it. Since March 2011, I've been seeing my therapist every two weeks (unless something came up). Still, I saw her consistently within a certain time frame.
My therapist mentioned earlier this year, I believe, that if I wanted, I could space my appointments further apart.
I almost had a panic attack on the spot. I laughed it off, shook my head, and said, "Not going to happen." Those four words have been a mantra of sorts since then. Anytime it's brought up, that's what I say. I wasn't ready, even if she thought I was. Or maybe, I should rephrase that. I was worried about changing how often I see her. This woman has been my lifeline a lot of times and there were too many what ifs in my mind, even though my anxiety has been nonexistent for about a year now.
Plus, I really enjoy my sessions.
But yesterday, I decided that when I see her next week, I'll tell her that I'll do it. I'll space them out more. How did I come to this conclusion?
A freaking budget.
There are three big things I want to do next year and while I manage my money pretty well, I need to get serious if I wanted to do those trips like I plan. So I was hashing out a budget and knew that one way I could save money was if I cracked down to one session a month. I was willing to consider it.
And I did. I thought of all the reasons that made me think that I could really do this.
-It is summer. I'm not in school. Cutting back will be okay. She's always an email away anyhow.
-I can always go back to a session every two weeks.
-I actually feel like I could handle it, or handle any situations that may arise, on my own.
That last one is the most important to me. When she mentioned it those months ago, my instinct was to say a big fat NO! It's taken some time and a little incentive, but I was able to reach this all on my own. It used to bother me a great deal when something would come up and cancel our appointment, pushing me off for another two weeks. I would worry about forgetting to mention something I wanted to discuss or worry about something else happening and me having a meltdown.
I'm okay if something comes up and I can't go. There aren't any second thoughts other than, "See you in two weeks!" That's a big step for me. I know I've posted before that I had really realized that I was in control, but that was always followed by "of my anxiety." I knew that I was in control of that, but the other stresses of life? I wasn't so sure.
I've always had trouble dealing with other things, but thanks to her and our sessions, those aren't issues anymore. Sure there are still problems, but not like before. I know what I want, I know what I don't want, and I have a better grip on how to do those things or to ensure that I don't do them. I've probably confused you, but I know what I mean.
Life is good, y'all. I'm doing my best to enjoy everything, to stand up for myself when needed, to be happy, and to be anxiety-free because these moments will turn into memories before long. When I look back, I want to remember all the good, all the growing up I've done, everything I've done for myself, and know that I did what was best for me.