new beginnings

Day One of Triggers

imgres.jpgI did a post a while back on a few triggers of mine. The triggers included silence around others, drive-thrus, pumping gas, and crowds. That post was done during a time when I had hardly no anxiety going on. I figured it's time for a more in-depth post about my triggers. This is to help others understand me and my anxiety more and as a mechanism for me to better know exactly what I'm scared of. Each day, I will go in-depth about a trigger of mine.

First, I thought it would be beneficial to see a generalized list of triggers that I found from The Reality of Anxiety, a blog I have become addicted to.

  • Play the What if Game and other negative self talk- Setting Ourselves up for Failure
  • Poor Self Esteem- thinking we're not worthy enough to be around others and be liked for who we are
  • Put too much pressure on ourselves to be "perfect" for others or not to have an attack
  • Focus on ourselves more than those around us
  • Eat poorly, drink a lot of caffeine
  • Do not exercise and or meditate regularly
  • Full Exposure to our phobias instead of baby steps
  • Do not get enough rest at night
  • Hold in our feelings
  • Do not focus on breathing deeply

  • All of the above are triggers that help set my anxiety in action. You'd be surprised at how often I've had to skip my caffeine love of energy drinks because it would cause me 3 days worth of anxiety. Let's get started, shall we?

    No_School.jpgSchool environment. As you may have noticed from my last two posts, school is an enormous trigger for me. Sometimes, I can't handle driving by one, much less going into one. Just yesterday, I felt sick to my stomach because I was in the parking lot of a local high school, waiting on my nephew. I feel like I could throw up just mentioning it! 

    High school was unbearable, especially my last year. I missed three weeks in a row because I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed or move. Anyways, being in the school environment causes me to panic.

    I start wondering if the students around me can hear the not always audible noises I'm making. The click of my pen, the scratch of my pencil on paper, the creak of my chair as my legs continue to bounce up and down and I continuously rearrange myself. All these noises and some that aren't really there are so loud in my head. My head starts pounding; my heart beats faster; my ears hurt; and I feel faint. All of those things begin happening at once with such intensity. 

    I've always been the child to make good grades. The pressure I placed on myself to excel in school did not bode well with my anxiety. Especially when I took two AP classes at once. Never again will I take an AP class. 

    Me+AP classes=tons upon tons of anxiety. 

    I remember one day, I got my report card and had to keep myself from crying in class as I looked it over because I had a couple of C's. There's no telling how much stress I had over that. I finished with a 2.6 GPA. Before my anxiety started becoming so severe, it was a 3.7. I don't know how to explain how much that bothers me. A carefree Lindsay does not exist. No matter what I say, I care about my grades and that 2.6 is killing me on the inside. 

    All this talk has left me exhausted. Hopefully, that's a good enough insight. :)

    2012 New Year's Resolutions

    I always make resolutions and like most, I never follow through. I'm hoping 2012 will be different. There are many big things that are happening in 2012 for me. Such as...

    -I turn 18! Yes, I'm excited.

    -I graduate from high school. I'm more excited about this than turning 18. Why? Because there is nothing more that I want than to leave high school behind me. With school being the main trigger for my anxiety, I'm pumped to leave it.

    -Top Secret Project 1 will launch. That's all I can share.

    -I will start college. This I'm not that excited about. I'm extremely nervous that my anxiety will be the same as it has been in high school. Yes, I have learned to control it much better, but the fear is still there.

    -I will have not only TSP1, but also TSP2 and 3 going on. I'm hoping to have TSP2 done and open for the public by late 2012. For TSP3, I am really just starting to work on it and as of right now, I don't have any idea when you guys will be able to view it.

    Those are the most exciting things happening for me in 2012. Here are my resolutions:

    -Make TSP1 successful.

    -Finish Whatever It Takes by my birthday so it will be on schedule for publication.

    -Make my books available on other ereaders. This is probably happen in March. Due to something I've done with Amazon, I can't sell my books in an eformat anywhere but Amazon until March.

    -Attend writing workshops and/or conferences. I know this will be very beneficial to my writing and I would love to attend one.

    -Donate a portion of my sales to various charites that are important to me.

    What are you resolutions?